


Love Forever Lost

by christinawithav



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:02:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22162249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinawithav/pseuds/christinawithav
Summary: Trip realizes what he's lost and wants to win Malcolm back, but he's about to find out he's to late
Relationships: Malcolm Reed/Charles "Trip" Tucker III
Kudos: 9





	Love Forever Lost

Disclaimer: Only the fic is mine.

AN: My mother is currently in a nursing home for hopefully just a few weeks she fell and broke her pelvis. Have so many feelings of frustration and fear about everything so I'm using fic as an outlet Takes place after the war with the Xindi is over, in this universe Archer and Malcolm went on a mission to take the Illyrian’s they left stranded back to their home world with the help of Soval and some other Vulcans. This is unbeated so I’m sorry for all errors.

+++  
Charles Tucker the Third known to everyone as Trip stared at himself in the mirror making sure his uniform was pressed and every inch of him looked clean and presentable.

He was about to go on the most important mission of his life

It wasn't every day he was about to beg the love of his life to take him back after so horribly throwing him away and treating him like absolute shit.

Trip’s decent into hell had started after Earth had been attacked by the Xindi and his sister Elizabeth was killed along with millions of other people.

But he had turned into a monster acting like he was the only person in the universe who had ever experienced tragedy and actually angry that everyone else wasn't angry about everything on the level that he was.

Then the mission began to find their super weapon and he had broken up with Malcolm, "I'm in pain and angry in ways you don't bother to understand not to mention you're a big bother to me I just don't love you anymore."

How Trip ached to take all those words back he still loved Malcolm just as much as when they had first gotten together he had buried it under so much anger and pain.

Then even worse he had suffered from insomnia and Phlox had T'Pol begin neuropressure treatments on him.

T'Pol, his very soul regarded her with contempt unknown to him and pretty much everyone on board she had become a drug addict and in his state she had dragged him into the abyss with her.

He actually started to believe he was in love with her and had humiliated Malcolm by showing his affection to her publicly and also chasing after Amanda Cole at the same time.

Malcolm had tried to tell him about the rumors running rampant trying to be a still be at least friend but Trip had cruelly shut him down

"Jealousy doesn't become you Mr. Reed she understands me in ways you never did."

Then the worst night came when T'Pol had seduced him and they had sex, it wasn't lovemaking they had shared he knew definitely knew all that now.

Then the next morning in the mess hall she'd shut him down coldly informing him he was nothing more than an experiment in exploring human sexuality.

He had actually humiliated himself by chasing after begging her to resume their neuropressure treatments

She had but it was obvious she detested him.

Then they had found the weapon and saved Earth and the human race and then T'Pol had invited him to Vulcan with her. He had gone along with her not wanting to face Earth and the memories of Lizzie, also not ready to face the rest of his grieving family.

He was acting like some dog in heat, how could he have allowed himself to be so disgusting?

They had gone to some kind of monastery and she had then informed him of her drug addiction and an unwanted bond had been created between them.

“Needless to say it needs to be broken,” She coldly informed him.

And it had and Trip had returned to Earth, Starfleet had ordered all of the Enterprise crew into mandatory therapy to deal with the events of the expanse and any PTSD that may have resulted. 

They probably had enough to last one hundred lifetimes and beyond.

And Trip resistant at first found that it truly did help to talk to someone, someone not a part of any of the events, and could give unbiased opinions. Also the woman was one of Phlox’s species. After a while he told her everything.

Slowly he came back to himself and realized many important things.

He went to see his family and they wept together, he went to a memorial that had been created for those who had lost, and Trip allowed himself to truly grieve.

He also realized how much he still loved Malcolm, that he had thrown away the most important person in his life.

In the time period the Enterprise was in space dock being repaired, Jon and Malcolm had gone on a mission with the help of Soval to rescue the ship and crew they had left stranded when the Enterprise suffered irreparable damage. They had been returned to their home world but the relationship between Starfleet and the Illyrian’s was still frayed.

It hurt that Jon hadn't asked him to help in the mission, their lost friendship another casualty of the Xindi and Trip’s own selfishness.

Another relationship that he would need to work on

After a few months the Enterprise was ready to set out again and almost everyone returned, determined not to let the Xindi and the war control and ruin their lives any more, to reclaim their love of exploring space. 

T'Pol had returned as well, and come to him on her first night back, “I truly am sorry for everything.”

Trip had glared at her with sheer hate, when we're off duty I want nothing to do with you, on duty we speak only when we have to I grant you no forgiveness.”

T'Pol had nodded she briefly looked saddened, apparently she wasn’t fully cured, but had nodded her acceptance, “I fully understand, Commander Tucker.”

+++

Trip came back to the present it had been two months since they had resumed their voyage, it had been easy very stay far away from T'Pol when they weren’t on duty.

He only came to the bridge only when absolutely necessary and every day his longing for Malcolm increased, especially when they had to work together.

But any conversation between them was duty related otherwise there wasn’t much talking done, he could feel Malcolm’s coldness and knew how much Malcolm despised.

Trip couldn’t blame him one bit so he didn’t push.

How could I ever allow myself to be without this amazing man?

Well today he would try to set things right, he would try to win Malcolm back anything Malcolm demanded of him he would do.

He took a deep breath and set out for the armory.

Here goes nothing.

But Malcolm wasn't there or in his quarters so finally Trip asked the computer where he was and he was in Archer's private dining room.

It was obvious the two had become good friends since their mission together and that Malcolm had become Jon's regular dining companion.

Trip then realized that he and Jon hadn't dined together in a long time, come to think of it he didn't think Jon had even tried to have any meals with T'Pol either.

At least I'm not the only one who hates her.

+++  
Trip returned to his quarters, “Computer please let me know when Malcolm Reed returns to his quarters.”

“Affirmative,” The computers emotionless voice replied.

Trip allowed himself a tiny smile despite how anxious he felt.

If he knew Malcolm it would likely be quite some time before he would come back to his quarters, he'd probably think of something he needed to do on the bridge or in the armory.

That was Malcolm Reed, devoted to keeling the ship and everyone on board safe.

And Trip vowed to spend the rest of his days to make Malcolm feel loved and safe with him.

To his surprise the computer informed him just an hour later that Malcolm had returned to his quarters.

Guess he's figured out when he should listen to his body and let himself get more rest.

Trip took a deep breath and walked to Malcolm quarters and rang the chime.

Within a moment or two although it felt like an eternity to Trip the doors slid open

Trips heart skipped a beat at the dark haired, dark eyed, beauty in front of him. That strong and slender body he knew was beneath Malcolm’s uniform.

How could I have ever been so foolish to ever give him up? That thought played over and over in Trip’s head. It would probably be doing that for the rest of his days.

Trip knew he deserved that as well.

Malcolm’s eyes quickly became cold and narrowed at him in a way he'd never seen and made Trip’s heart flutter but in an unpleasant way.

“What do you want?” Malcolm spat.

“I want to talk, please just a feel minutes of your time and then if you want me gone I'll go.”

Malcolm stepped aside to let him in and the door slid closed.

The words Trip had rehearsed suddenly deserted him and he stood there so many emotions roaring through him.

“Well Commander, you got something to say well make it quick.” He didn't remember when he'd ever heard or seen Malcolm so cold and angry.

“I'm so sorry Malcolm for everything, I'm sorry for every horrible word I said after Lizzie died I took my rage out on everyone...”

Tears filled his eyes, “I know I turned into a monster you were the best boyfriend anyone could ever want and I threw that away.”

Trip wanted to take Malcolm’s hand in his and look deep into his eyes but he knew he didn't have that right.

He only hoped Malcolm could see his sincerity in his eyes and face.

“From the bottom of my heart I'm sorry Malcolm ...”

Malcolm took a step toward and Trip gasped at the rage in his eyes, the sheer hatred he saw on Malcolm’s face.

“And I'm supposed to forgive you!? You treated me like absolute shit! Causing me untold pain and humiliation and you think you can come here today, say some cute little words, put a sad expression on your face and I'll actually forgive you and take you back?”

“Mal...” Trip called him the pet name without thinking and Malcolm exploded.

“FUCK YOU Tucker JUST FUCK YOU! and here’s a newsflash you lost your right to call me that a long time ago you have forever lost your right to me.”

“Malcolm….”

“SHUT UP!” Malcolm screamed, and Trip gulped and did just that.

“You have no idea what it was like giving you heart over so completely to someone for the first time ever letting your guard down and giving all of yourself to that person.”

Malcolm stopped as his lip trembled and for a second a sob threatened to escape then the anger returned and he pressed on.

“I tried to be there and help in the only way I knew how only to get thrown aside like trash and treated even worse.”

Malcolm closed the space between them until they were practically nose to nose. Trip had never felt such rage emanate from someone and it was his fault.

“Then the humiliation of watching you chase after T'Pol and Amanda Cole knowing the ship was likely snickering behind my back. I saw the looks of pity people gave me when they thought I couldn't see it.”

Trip felt sick of what he had made this amazing man endure

“Then it was obvious you and T'Pol had gotten intimate you practically broadcasted it in the mess hall to everyone there you might as well told the damn whole ship!

I cried with joy when the mission was over and I wouldn't have to see you for hopefully a long time when Jon invited me on the mission I eagerly accepted doing good helped me feel worthwhile again Jon and his friendship saved me but what would you know, you were too busy on Vulcan with your whore!”

“Because we were getting rid of an unwanted bond,” Trip quickly told the whole story but Malcolm’s look of hate of disgust did not change.

“And I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?” Malcolm sneered, “Poor little Charles Tucker the Third all out in the cold.” The contempt in Malcolm’s voice could freeze a tropical planet into an ice age.

“Malcolm, I'll do anything.”

“Go to hell, I will never love you again I would never take you back, besides you are forever contaminated by T'Pol.”

Trip felt like he'd been zapped by some kind of electric charge as he flinched but actual electricity would've hurt way less.

“I hate myself to Malcolm....”

“Save it Tucker, like I said you are contaminated and you'll never again be clean in my eyes.”

Trip couldn't stop some tears from falling,” I know I deserve your hatred....”

“GET OUT NOW!”

Trip quickly did before Malcolm decided to start pounding him although Trip knew he deserved it and would’ve let Malcolm do it.

+++  
He returned to his quarters not caring if anyone was seeing him and how he looked, as soon as the doors closed he let his tears fall and he began sobbing.

He had no idea how much time had passed before he went into his bathroom and was horrified by how puffy his eyes looked.

He felt an urge to seek Jon out, he missed their friendship so much and maybe just maybe he could confide in Jon and they could work on regaining it.

At least maybe there was one thing he could do right.

Trip quickly went to Archer's quarters and rang the chime and after a few minutes Archer stood there.

“Please,” Trip whispered, “I need to talk.”

With a sigh Archer stepped aside and let Trip come in, “What is it now?” Archer asked crossly.

“I know I've been so awful these past two years...”

“You think? Acting like you’re the only one who ever experienced horrific tragedy and the death of a loved one, taking it out not just on Malcolm but all of the people onboard this ship. Needless to say no one is eager to have you act that way during the rest of this voyage.” 

“I know and I swear I'll try to be a better man but I came for another reason.”

“Well out with it I don't have all night.”

Trip slowly got what happened with Malcolm out the pain still intense.

Archer looked impressed, “I knew Mr. Reed is a smart man thank goodness he continued to act that way tonight.”

“What?” Trip whispered.

“You think you actually deserve a man like Malcolm Reed, after all you've said and did especially your displays with T'Pol, how you two behaved.”

“It was a mistake.”

“It was pathetic, I hope Malcolm stays smart and never takes you back, if he actually had I would've knocked him over the head we became friends on the Vulcan ship during our mission he told me everything and he went through hell to rebuild what you tore down.”

“I know I screwed up but T'Pol played a big part in it.”

“Yes, I know about her addiction.”

“She told you about everything?”

“Not about you two at the time but I knew she was an addict I was glad she finally got help, it looks like it might actually be working.”

“We went to Vulcan because she accidentally bonded ...”

“She told me.”

“What?” Trip whispered, “Why?”

“She came because she said she was finally feeling more like her old self, she told me used you because you were there but she's had feelings for me all along.”

“She ruins the lives of everyone she touches and goes anywhere near, Jon.”

“I told her I could never want her; why would a man want someone's sloppy seconds especially your sloppy seconds.”

Trip was stunned to silence by the revelations and Jon's contempt, but couldn't help but feel anger at the way Jon was treating him.

“Jon.”

“Just get out Tucker and I expect you to do your job at all times to the very best of your abilities is that understood or you'll be back on Earth so fast, you won’t know what happened.”

Understood Captain.” Trip put coldness into his voice and turned around and left.

+++  
Trip returned to his quarters and took a shower wishing he could wash this evening and these past few years away.

So many bridges he had burned.

And frankly it didn't look like it could ever be repaired.

+++  
Two hours later Jon and Malcolm were playing a late night game of basketball in a cargo bay.

“Are you alright?” Jon asked.

They were standing next to each other drinking from water bottles.

Malcolm nodded, “I feel fine I can't believe I actually unloaded on him like that but it felt so good.”

“I hear you I hated how good it felt to tell T'Pol to take a hike.”

Jon told Malcolm the whole story

“Never imagined you'd call a woman a whore.” Malcolm commented, but if any woman deserved that title then he’d have to choose T’Pol.”

“It just came out of my mouth, the Expanse changed me and not for the better.”

“It was bad for all of us but at least Starfleet had made the Xindi deactivate all the spears in exchange for peace and not aiding other races who wanted revenge against them.”

They stood close to each other, during the mission they had gotten intimate and made love a few times, but they were just far too different in temperament, they agreed it was leftover stress from saving the Earth and the redemption mission with the Illyrians.

But they had gained from that a deep and cherished friendship.

“Thank you for being there Jon.”

“You also,” Jon replied back and put a hand on Malcolm’s shoulder and they then leaned their foreheads together.

+++  
Unknown to both of them they were being watched, Trip had come to get something for a project he wanted to do in engineering and saw them, he managed to hold back a gasp and quickly headed back to engineering.

No wonder Jon had reacted badly but Trip couldn't fully be angry, Malcolm was right Trip had given up all rights to him long ago Malcolm deserved happiness and more.

Treat him right Jon, Trip thought to himself, I don’t care if you’re the Captain, I’ll strangle you if you hurt him.

+++  
The next afternoon Malcolm was waiting for the turbolift and when the doors opened T'Pol was standing there.

He got in and stood as far away as he could be looking straight ahead

“Lieutenant Reed?"

“Yes, Commander?”

“If I had known Captain Archer was spoken for I never would've approached him.”

“Excuse me?” Malcolm replied sharply and also feeling confused, but didn’t let it show on his face.

“I was in the gym last night when Commander Tucker came in and we were the only two there, he announced what he saw in the cargo bay.”

She thinks we're a couple and so does Tucker, Malcolm almost felt ready to laugh.

“He told me he would not allow me to ruin Archer's life or your own as I had screwed up his own, he told me never to try to interfere or he would make public my addiction and what truly happened with the neuropressure treatments, he made it clear he would go to all of Vulcan and all or Starfleet if he had to.”

Malcolm definitely let his shock at that news show.

“I've already destroyed to many lives I made Commander Tucker's problems worse and dragged him into an abyss I created, neuropressure on non-Vulcans is now being banned and it was a procedure that truly did help people, I have been hearing from many unhappy physicians.”

“I'm sure you never planned to be an addict.” Malcolm told her, he was feeling charitable in that moment.

“No, but many are paying the price I know those who outrank me on Vulcan will continue to look for ways for me and those close to me to be punished but those are my concerns no one else's.”

She looked at him and Malcolm swore he saw emotion in her eyes.

“I am glad you and Captain Archer found happiness and I will never try to approach him again. I am also sorry things did not work out with you and Commander Tucker and my part in fully destroying it, I'm sure he would've done anything to make everything up to you.”

The turbolift door opened and she stepped out, “You never would've had anything to fear, I never would've interfered if you had gotten back together I am sorry you see him as forever contaminated by me and unworthy of anything.”

The doors shut before he could answer.

+++  
Malcolm walked to the armory just when you thought Vulcans couldn't be any more surprising they pulled some type of stunt to show that they were.

Nor did it matter he no longer loved Commander Tucker and somehow if tiny feelings ever did surface he would pretend to shoot them with a phaser, or he could always accept the offer Soval made after Malcolm saved his life.

“I owe you a life debt Lieutenant, any favor you ask, I shall do.”

And Malcolm had jokingly replied, “What if I wanted you to erase my love and romantic feelings for someone?”

Soval had looked at him not blinking, “Then I shall do that for you.”

Malcolm came out of that memory and walked into his office and the mask of a proper officer slid into the place.

+++  
Trip woke up and did his usual routine of showering, getting dressed, and going to the mess hall for breakfast. He felt like he was autopilot, he needed to accept that this was his life and he needed to get used to his new normal.

He asked Hoshi if he could join her and she said yes, at least someone was still willing to be around him.

Afterwards he went to engineering at least his engines still needed him and would hopefully be his for a long time to come.

+++

AN2: I know it’s out of character and went all over the place. I discovered the show two years ago and have seen most of the episode. It’s not truly a horrible show like so many said but the Xindi arc and the gross Trip/T’Pol storyline definitely played a huge part in its demise.

Also I've read so many stories where Trip has been the biggest jerk and as soon as he begs and tells Malcolm why he was with T'Pol, Malcolm instantly forgives. I just wanted to do something different.


End file.
